Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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