he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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