Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
