Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
