I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
