I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
