i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
