we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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