I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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