remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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