Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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