apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.