So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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