You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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