3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
