After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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