Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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