the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
