Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
