How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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