I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
