i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I would fuck him just for his dog
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
