Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
