even my farts smell like vagina
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
