so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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