I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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