If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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