i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
