Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
