I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
