I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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