Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
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We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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