if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
