You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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