I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
