Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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