i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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