The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
