PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
