This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
