She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
