theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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