There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
