I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I checked into jail on foursquare
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
