my soul wont recognize me after tonight
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
