So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
