i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
