Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
