Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
