The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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