I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
