he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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