Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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