just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
