I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
