I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
