Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
